Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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