I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
