turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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