I looked at my own cervix.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
