Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
