Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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