I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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