I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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