jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
