Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Someone came in the potted fern
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize