if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
