The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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