guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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