You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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