literally had 100 drinks last night.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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