I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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