Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
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Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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