I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
