Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize