i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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