Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
