Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
