if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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