i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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