Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
