Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
