You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
