She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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