If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I didn't notice because vodka
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
