I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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