I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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