I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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