the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
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I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
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Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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