why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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