woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
