Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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