ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm eating all of the evidence.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
