I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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