I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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