remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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