i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
