you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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