so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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