we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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