I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
