had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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