from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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