So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
