Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
