I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
