Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
