I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
