Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
