I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
